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Archive for July, 2010

Skeeter Bites: Man takes the cake… literally!

July 19, 2010 1 comment

Fort Scott, Kansas – Ronald James Hagan, 36, possesses an undeniable love for snack cakes. Unlike his contemporaries, his insatiable desire doesn’t just stop at consumption. Hagan is being sought for questioning by the Fort Scott Sheriff’s department for what some are claiming as the most heinous baked foods related incident since 1983’s highjacking of a Wonder Bread truck in St. Louis, Missouri.

The details at this point are at best sketchy, but from what has been released by law enforcement, its been determined that in the early morning hours of July 16th, Hagan illegally gained access to the Hostess distribution site off Highway-69 two miles south of Fort Scott. According Waylan Johnson, Hostess’ night security guard, surveilance cameras recorded Hagan as he removed his trousers and began performing what was described as “the most disturbing sexual act with a snack cake ever recorded” at the Hostess factory.

A reward for information leading to the whereabouts of Ronald Hagan is being offered in the amount of $500. Ronald Hagan is described as a Caucasian male, brown hair, athletic body, and a red coconut colored penis. Please call the Hostess customer service hotline at 1-800-Hostess or the Fort Scott Sheriff’s Department if you have knowledge of Ronald James Hagan’s whereabouts.

Author’s note – the story you have just read is completely fictional. Ronald James Hagan is a randomly thought up name and the circumstances regarding this fictional crime were completely fabricated.

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Skeeter Bites: How to plug BP’s hole…

Some may call me a little behind the times. I’ve never been exactly what one would consider “cutting edge”. I have racked my brain for the past months, attempting to come up with an inventive way for Tony Hayward, C.E.O. of B.P., to fix the oil that gushes into the Gulf of Mexico at an alarming rate. Here are some potential ideas that I have spent long hours on the porcelain throne contemplating…

Dead fish and bird carcasses – Yeah, yeah, yeah. Some of you right now are calling me a monster, but let’s face facts. All the Dawn dish soap in the world won’t be able to cut the grease that these poor creatures are having to live with. For these birds and fish, the amount of oil that coats their feathers and scales leaves them feeling like they just woke up next to Lionel Richie after a long night of “slap-n-tickle” with Jesus of Jheri Curls. The suggestion that would help us all… wrap them in cheesecloth, and plug the oil’s guss-hole immediately. The sacrifices of the few promote the well being of the many. Save the birds able to fly so they can clog jet engines and the swimming little fishies so that they can saturate the wax paper liner in my basket for my Long John Silver’s.

FLOAM – This lovable oddity that sickened thousands of kids would be the perfect economical fix for our issue. With some polystyrene beads, Borax, and glue, we could have endless amounts of semi-gelatinous, oil- plugging goodness. Let’s not mention that we can be the first in the world to have our on designer oil leak color!

Megan Fox’s Toe-Thumb – Granted Megan tops most lists as being one of, if not the most, attractive woman on the planet. But can we be honest with one another for a moment? If an asteroid were on a collision course with Earth, one of the last people being called to the “war room” to brainstorm ideas for our salvation would be her. That is not to say that she cannot be used for more than simply a masturbatory aid. After drowning Megan Fox and allowing the decomposition gasses to slightly bloat her toe-thumb, we could take care of all that ails us by sinking her to the oil’s opening. Following an extensive MacGyver-esque use of duct tape, the leak would be stopped. No more oil, and thank goodness, no Jonah Hex sequel.

Mighty Putty – If the late Billy Mays were here, he would march right into Hayward’s office and with a booming voice proclaim, “Hi, Billy Mays here with Mighty Putty! The oil topper leak stopper. For only $9.95, I won’t simply send you 3 sticks of Mighty Putty, I’ll also do an additional 3 lines of coke off this stripper’s ass, all while singing “God Bless America” and making waffles. Simply pay for shipping and processing!”

Dr. Phil McGraw – If all other options were to fail, we as Americans would have to dig deep into our resolve reserves and sacrifice. With great circumstance comes great consequence and if all ideas fall short of stopping the oil seepage into the Gulf, we can always jam Dr. Phil into the hole. By using a high pressure air cannon – similar to those used to propel t-shirts at high speeds towards unsuspecting fans at sporting events – aimed at the top of the leak, we propel McGraw’s body, rump first, towards the hole at blazing speed. Upon impact, the cellulite in the aforementioned posterior would become lodged in the orifice, plugging our leak. This would again serve a dual purpose as we would no longer be subject to his small-minded, 6th-grade, hillbilly psychology. Judging by the picture, does he not look like a person who needs to be jammed in a hole 6 miles beneath the ocean’s surface?

As previously mentioned at the onset of the writing, these are simply ideas. We have a team of 3rd-graders hard at work drawing Crayola schematics of a Tinker-Toy plug that could also be use. Stay tuned…

Categories: Skeeter Bites...

Kids are pu$$ies… smack them more!

July 14, 2010 2 comments

A couple of days ago, I involved myself in a conversation at work. Most of the time, I shy away from discussions when it involves parenting for the simple fact that I have sired no little snot-nosed, germ infested, living petri dishes. Not to say that I don’t want them, but right now, I have the sneaky suspicion that they would find themselves plastered all over eBay.

Anywho, the conversation I sneakily involved myself in revolved around a woman who was having troubles with her two young boys, ages 5 and 9 respectively. As her complaints got more repetitive and agonizingly bland it occurred to me. The kids weren’t to blame. The boys didn’t take their queues from that lovable Sponge Bob, Handy Manny or Dora. They learned it from watching you!

For all of our grown up thoughts, higher level math skills, pita pocket sandwiches and mocha-choco frapacinos, we lack the basic skills as humans anymore to set the youth of our nation right by administering the good ol’ fashioned “elbow locked, fingers extended, left to right, knock that piss-ass attitude outta you” beat down.

Now, before I am flooded with hate mail, Child Services knocks down my door (only to find themselves befuddled as I have no kids) or shoe polish finds its way on my car windows laden with expletives, let me state that no children were harmed during the writing of this blog. However, if one would have come up to me, ripped my iPhone from my hand because he/she wanted to play Bejeweled, he/she would be grasping their lips watching teeth rain from their tingling little mouths. It has become commonplace for individuals to let their children run free, supported only by the ill-imagined idea that they would be stifling their child’s growth with pesky little things called discipline, structure, and the occasional tantrum ending spanking. I say, give ’em a good smack every once in a while. You might just deter the next Gacy.

Categories: WOW! Just wow...

D.U.M. excerpt numero dos

Hello again everyone. As promised, here lies another teaser from D.U.M.

Taken from the story, Chili Cheese Fatties:

I sit in the back seat of Bennie’s car with my head tilted slightly towards the menu. Half exhausted and half baked, I murmur to him to order a large onion rings and a massive bucket-o-drink. He acknowledges with a head nod and turns to J, whose attention has been diverted from food to his prey. “How you girls doing? Enjoyin’ your night?” His torso hangs attentively out of the car window, either due to the car’s spatial allowances or animalistic desire, as the cooing continues.

“Get your ass back in the car. Those girls don’t want to talk to you… besides, the driver looks like a dude.” My revelation startles J as Bennie begins to laugh hysterically.

“She’s just a little rough. I like mine with issues.”

“Rough? That’s more than rough. And some issues are fine as long as they aren’t that she has a thicker goatee than you.” Bennie cannot speak. His eyes fill with tears as he listens to me shred J’s qualifiers. His laughter erupts.

Categories: D.U.M.

“If it bleeds, we can kill it!” Predators review…

July 10, 2010 2 comments

 

Dropped on an alien planet while being hunted for sport sounds like my idea of not only a good time, but a great “effin” Sci-Fi movie. Granted, you read the words of a man who has viewed the original Predator movie no less than 300 times, worships the action-packed ground the “Governator” blew up, and would gladly carry an interspecies Predator baby. Although barren as my womb may be, nothing would stop me from viewing my favorite trophy hunting species take down unsuspecting “professionals” in this summer’s surprisingly action-filled film.

Predators dives further into the mystique of a race of alien beings who hunt for sport and gruesomely dismember for trophy. Free-falling through the sky, we meet our protagonist Royce, played by Adrien Brody, and after human lawn-darting his way to the planet’s surface, he finds that he is not alone. Once the cast assembles, including a sarcastically sharp Topher Grace (That 70’s Show) as Edwin, a sharp shooting sniper/beauty Alice Braga (I Am Legend) as Isabelle, and the shank wielding inmate Stans played by Walton Goggins (FX’s Justified), the storyline begins to show the true signs of living up to what the AVP/AVP:Requiem movies were supposed to be for the franchise. These complete strangers – in addition to other characters such as a Sierra Leone deathsquad hitman, a Yakuza assassin, Mexican Cartel enforcer and Russian Spetnaz specialist – each with particularly brutal skills, are trapped as game for a bloody, intergalactic hunting trip.

While slightly calculable (affectionate bond between Royce and Isabelle) and cliché (Brody apparently gurgled glass to replicate Christian Bale’s brooding Batman voice) for this movie-goer’s liking, the action races along with the ferocity of the 1987 original Predator but falls well short of being considered in the same trophy case as its predecessor. As the pieces of the puzzle fall into place, the tension of the film unpredictability suffers and this simply falls into the realm of just another action/sci-fi flick. Don’t take it the wrong way, the story is fast-paced, interestingly constructed, and beautifully rendered without the overuse of CGI. Unfortunately, our protagonists find out all too soon in the movie exactly who they are pitted against in their fight to stay alive. The horrific crescendo of anxiety is lost.

In the 1987 movie Predator, a rescue team of highly trained commandos is systematically hunted and slaughtered by a seemingly unstoppable guerrilla force. Only half-way through the film – in one of the most destructively awesome jungle leveling scenes ever captured on film – do we find out that the hunter is otherworldly. In the newest installment of the franchise, Royce and his hunted party know almost immediately that some alien force is work. An interesting cameo does work its way into the film in the form of the slightly mentally deranged Noland, played by the ever-commanding Laurence Fishburne. His character provides the not only a subtle glimmer of hope to the others in revealing that he has been able to survive 10 hunting seasons on the predator-visited planet, but Fishburne’s protrayl of this dimentia-impacted former soldier provides an all too short 10 or so minutes of interesting craziness.

I struggle with wanting to reveal more of the story, as there were as many interesting aspects to this film that can easily be incorporated into an epic sequel. Conversely, only by knowing more of the story will you be able to fully appreciate its 3.5 out of 5 rating being given. Predators is a nostalgic and blazing fast action homage to many a weekend wasted away watching Ah-nold slug it out with the mandible menacing Predator. Although parts are overshadowed with predictability, the film is well worth “Gettin to the choppa” to see. (Review score: 3.5/5)

Categories: Movie Reviews

D.U.M. excerpt numero uno

After years of hard work, endless bags of Doritos, and enough Rockstar Energy drink to stop the heart of a charging rhino, “D.U.M.”, my first independently released book will be available for purchase/download.

“D.U.M.” provides an anectdotal detailing of some of the utterly stupid things my friends and I have taken part in over the years. Its been a long haul, but hopefully you will enjoy reading it as much as I have investing time in writing it.

Keep checking back frequently as ‘teasers’ from the book will be released in the coming weeks.

Taken from the story Gonna Have a Lil’ Talk With Jesus:

“Hello. I’m Robert and this is Christopher. Have you heard the word of the Lord? Would you like to accept Jesus Christ as your savior?” Robert appears as a small, plain man, possibly early 20’s, in a suit finely tailored to accept the body of the saved. His companion stands to the side of him, apprehensively peering inside the house, like a timid mouse anticipating the snap of the trap. He sees me in the front room and I can imagine him thinking to himself that this is a bad idea.
“Come on in. My friend and I were just getting ready to watch a religious film. You’re more than welcome to join us if you would like.” Jay opens the door fully, allowing our two new friends to follow him into the living room. He shuffles toward his uniquely carved couch-niche, as his hand reaches around behind scratching his posterior. As our eyes briefly connect, he winks and flips me a half-smile, the definite sign of horrible things to come.

Categories: D.U.M.

Camp Anawanna… we hold you in our hearts,

“…and when we think about you, it makes me wanna fart!”

Easily one of the last vestiges of my early adolescence, Salute Your Shorts still provides a boyish glee for ohh so many reasons. For the most part, Heidi Lucas was the fault for many a wasted afternoon escapade to land of uptight camp counselors, bullies, and the infamous Donkey Lips. The show lasted all of two spectacular seasons, during which, Lucas and her cast-mate Michael Bower (reprising the character of the aforementioned “Lips”) won young actor awards. Simply paying homage to this feat of Nickelodeon wonder would not do justice to the amazing television jewels this show accomplished. First, it depicted one of the earliest known young person comedies starring a multiracial cast. Next, Ug Lee. What a character! Try finding a better episode than the one during which he gets stun by a hornets nest. Emmy-worthy my friends, indeed. Finally, “Tires!” If you haven’t seen that episode, you my friend, have been deprived of the beauty that is 295 pounds of adolescent dietary indiscretion running an obstacle course.

Camp Anawanna, we do hold you near and dear to our hearts! And Heidi Lucas, thanks for all the fun times!

Categories: Randominities