Archive for February, 2011

Skeeter Bites: The best damn chili you’ll ever cook… guaranteed!

February 24, 2011 Leave a comment

A couple of weeks ago I ransacked the pantry for something to eat. Being turned away with only the appetizing thought of eating taco seasoning from the packet, I carried on to the one thing that has never let me down – the fridge.

Throwing things together has always been a culinary fetish of mine and this day was like many others. From my tantalizing egg Ramen to chicken & broccoli stuffed manicotti, my imagination has led to some of the heart-burningest creations this world has ever seen. So kick the crock pot on high, throw on some Al Green, and let my chili recipe take you away (and possibly to the bathroom afterwards).


1 lb Ground Chuck (cooked in sauce pan)

1 lb Spicy/Hot Ground Sausage (cooked in sauce pan)

1 lb Ground Turkey (cooked in sauce pan)

3 tbsp Chili powder

1 tbsp crushed black pepper

1 tbsp crushed, dried oregano leaves

1 large white onion (finely diced – after cooking, they will take on a very aromatic spongy feel)

1 small can tomato sauce

1 large can diced tomatoes

4 cans chili beans (to add spiciness to the mix, substitute a can of Chili ‘Hot’ beans)


After all the meats are cooked and drained, open all cans of beans and rinse thoroughly. (I like this step because the beans come packed in a semi-gelatinous red sauce that eerily reminds me of movie blood; that and they don’t taste as good). In a 5 qt. slow cooker, combine all ingredients – in no specific order – and mix vigorously. You can choose to mix sluggishly, however, I prefer the word vigorous. Simply sounds cooler. Cover slow cooker, set timer for 4 hours, and pop in your favorite Tom Hanks’ film.

Following the viewing of Castaway, Big, or The Money Pit, if your intestines don’t fell like exploding, they soon will. Spoon heaping gobs of dripping meat slurry into a bowl, garnish with cheese, and devour to your liking. This recipe is a guaranteed winner.


Categories: Skeeter Bites...

Diary of a snowman…

February 9, 2011 Leave a comment

Day 1…

After a long, hot summer, the kids are finally able to enjoy some much needed snow. I can’t tell you how long I have waited to see all my snowmen homies, or snowmies, if you prefer brevity .

Larry’s always been the fat one. I think the kids get a kick out of overbuilding him. Every year the same brother and sister make him look like some sort of freak show. He has a huge base, small middle, and oblong head. Imagine if Mr. Planter knocked up a snow cone machine and the fruits of their lustful encounter was Larry.

Tom is the more sensibly built one. He’s carefully planned annually by the O.C.D. kid up the block. Each of his sections are perfectly rounded, like the kid drew him on a piece of graph paper beforehand. The kid spends way too much time on him and even more time avoiding the other kids in the neighborhood. None of us have ever seen him outside of a full bodysuit, complete with face wrap. The kid must look like the Elephant Man or something.

Finally, we come to my ol’ buddy Stubby. His name is actually Stanley, but we’ve always managed to get a rise out of him with his nickname. He was built the first winter by the poor kid in the neighborhood. He got the moniker Stubby because the kid’s parents didn’t want to allow him to build his snowman with a regular sized carrot. They pacified the kid by giving him one of those dainty little carrot stubs that you see all the fitness freaks gorging themselves on. Good guy and all, but he just comes up short in the carrot department.

Day 2…

So Mother Nature decided that we needed another helping of snow. It looks so pretty outside. The kids’ footprints – even the prints left by the fat children – have all been recovered in a dusting of white. It lends a sense of completeness to everything around us. I was just mentioning to Stubby last night that even he didn’t look so bad this winter amidst all this beauty. He told me to fuck off.

Day 3…

I’ve been trying to find the right moment to break away from this icy base and make a run for it. Larry and Stubby are starting to piss me off. They convinced the neighborhood bullies that it would be fun to break off my twig arms and sword fight with them. HELLO… need some arms here if I ever plan to get the hell out of Cedar Creek. What a shit hole of a town. Maybe I’ll just stand here and have a beer… ohh wait. No arms. No beer. Laugh it up asshole.

Day 4…

The kids’ infatuation with us is waning. Three days and the little shits don’t even come out any more. Good. You know what, I hope they all develop childhood obesity. That’ll show their little chunky asses.

Day 5…

I was looking in the window of one of the houses last night during the newscast and heard one of the forecasters say it was supposed to warm up into the middle 40’s today. Sounds good and all, but what am I supposed to do for Christ’s sake? I’m a fucking snowman. I don’t know if you passed science class in 6th grade but in case you didn’t know, I’ll melt. Thanks a lot, d-bag. I appreciate your concern. Its not like you were going to go throw on a bikini and lay out in the backyard. I’m too young to die, man. I didn’t do anything to anyone.

Day 6…

I’m a fucking puddle. Are you happy now?

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