Home > Uncategorized > Diary of a snowman…

Diary of a snowman…

Day 1…

After a long, hot summer, the kids are finally able to enjoy some much needed snow. I can’t tell you how long I have waited to see all my snowmen homies, or snowmies, if you prefer brevity .

Larry’s always been the fat one. I think the kids get a kick out of overbuilding him. Every year the same brother and sister make him look like some sort of freak show. He has a huge base, small middle, and oblong head. Imagine if Mr. Planter knocked up a snow cone machine and the fruits of their lustful encounter was Larry.

Tom is the more sensibly built one. He’s carefully planned annually by the O.C.D. kid up the block. Each of his sections are perfectly rounded, like the kid drew him on a piece of graph paper beforehand. The kid spends way too much time on him and even more time avoiding the other kids in the neighborhood. None of us have ever seen him outside of a full bodysuit, complete with face wrap. The kid must look like the Elephant Man or something.

Finally, we come to my ol’ buddy Stubby. His name is actually Stanley, but we’ve always managed to get a rise out of him with his nickname. He was built the first winter by the poor kid in the neighborhood. He got the moniker Stubby because the kid’s parents didn’t want to allow him to build his snowman with a regular sized carrot. They pacified the kid by giving him one of those dainty little carrot stubs that you see all the fitness freaks gorging themselves on. Good guy and all, but he just comes up short in the carrot department.

Day 2…

So Mother Nature decided that we needed another helping of snow. It looks so pretty outside. The kids’ footprints – even the prints left by the fat children – have all been recovered in a dusting of white. It lends a sense of completeness to everything around us. I was just mentioning to Stubby last night that even he didn’t look so bad this winter amidst all this beauty. He told me to fuck off.

Day 3…

I’ve been trying to find the right moment to break away from this icy base and make a run for it. Larry and Stubby are starting to piss me off. They convinced the neighborhood bullies that it would be fun to break off my twig arms and sword fight with them. HELLO… need some arms here if I ever plan to get the hell out of Cedar Creek. What a shit hole of a town. Maybe I’ll just stand here and have a beer… ohh wait. No arms. No beer. Laugh it up asshole.

Day 4…

The kids’ infatuation with us is waning. Three days and the little shits don’t even come out any more. Good. You know what, I hope they all develop childhood obesity. That’ll show their little chunky asses.

Day 5…

I was looking in the window of one of the houses last night during the newscast and heard one of the forecasters say it was supposed to warm up into the middle 40’s today. Sounds good and all, but what am I supposed to do for Christ’s sake? I’m a fucking snowman. I don’t know if you passed science class in 6th grade but in case you didn’t know, I’ll melt. Thanks a lot, d-bag. I appreciate your concern. Its not like you were going to go throw on a bikini and lay out in the backyard. I’m too young to die, man. I didn’t do anything to anyone.

Day 6…

I’m a fucking puddle. Are you happy now?

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