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Skeeter Bites: 5 things required to survive the Zombie uprising…

September 21, 2010 5 comments

As most uber-nerds know, December 12th, 2012 marks the day when the world will irrevocably change and fall under siege. There will be no more wars against terrorists, no concern with the economy, and most importantly, if the Gods smile upon us, Lohan and Hilton will be names we celebrate as they fade into oblivion. We will all be under attack by one of the most ferocious, unstoppable enemies we have ever faced. Zombies.

Let us not kid one another. Many of the people you know and love will become part of the army of these ungodly brain-munchers. They will no longer be referred to as Suzie, Mickey, or your creepy Uncle Ron (who wears sweatpants to every family reunion). They are out for flesh, and if you aren’t careful and fail to heed the warning being provided, you too will fall prey to being a lunch buffet for a swarm of the walking dead.

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Find a crowbar. On a Saturday trip to the local Home Depot, while shopping for your lawn mulch and random items your wife selects to “vagify” your home, duck quickly into the big tool section. You might not realize the benefits of having such a weapon in your repertoire, but you will soon thank me. Need to pry open a door to evade becoming a happy meal? Want to bludgeon an oncoming meat-pinata with a penchant for gray matter? The crowbar becomes your best friend as you pulverize through the oncoming horde of zombies and then evade them by popping a lock on the local 7 Eleven.

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WalMart. Not just any ol’ Wally World will do there Skippy. You have to find a WalMart SuperCenter. Why you ask? Because the SuperCenter version of this capitalist juggernaut carries a full variety of Pop Tarts, Mini Wheats and 47 different varieties of Goya (provided of course that you frequent the SuperCenter located within a largely Hispanic neighborhood.) As a double bonus for barricading your still-alive selves in this Mecca of heathen goodness, you have an almost limitless supply of ammunition and hunting rifles should you choose to saunter your way to the sporting goods section of the store. “No seven-day waiting period here, Little Johnny. Now you go out there and turn that zombies head into canoe, you lil’ scamp you!” (Author’s note: For those lonely nights [if you have failed to discover other survivors], the endless number of Hannah Montana calendars will suffice to give you an all-so-familiar warm and cozy feeling.)

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Guns. Lots and lots of guns. The more you have, the better your chances. If a zombie doesn’t get within arm’s reach, they can’t bite you. Well, there’s that and if you put a bullet through their face with a high-powered sniper rifle, they have no teeth left to munch on you with.

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King James Edition Bible. Many of you right this second are wondering why I of all people chose to include this in your survival kit. The answer is quite simple… it’s a great collection of fictional tales that you can read around your campfire of Justin Beiber CDs to entertain your fellow shut-ins as they “ohh and ahh” at the sight of his smug pre-pubescent face igniting in the ohh-soo-warming fire. (Phew… now that I got THAT out.) Did I forget to mention that checking in at over 38 pounds makes it a formidable weapon if you are in scarce supply of ammo and require a weapon of mass destruction?

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At least one, if not two, fat kids. The old joke goes… “Two guys are in the woods and they stumble upon a mother bear who rears up and growls protecting her cubs. The skinner man turns to the larger man and says, “I don’t have to outrun the bear, I just have to outrun you!” With that, the skinnier man dashes out in a contrail of dust and preserved dreams. The husky gentleman is not so lucky.

The same principles apply if you are outrunning bears or zombies. You don’t have to be faster than them… just faster than your slowest travelling companion. This theory has been known to backfire though in the past. Don’t act suspicious by luring a skinnier fellow into the warmth of your familial bosom, only to try to fatten him up for a later takedown. This part of the plan if fool-proof if enacted correctly. You don’t need to spend the time fattening someone up for the slaughter… simply go to any mid-American public school and pick out a few fattie-snacks. Be sure to befriend them now… you don’t want to be without your very own fattie when the zombies come a’ knockin’!

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You don’t have to be Pythagoras to do the math. You + This List = Self Preservation – Friends.

Categories: Randominities

Skeeter Bites: Can we please nuke the ‘Jersey Shore’?

All thanks to The Real World, Americans have found it acceptable to dive into the lives of knowing participants, follow them through their daily routines, and their sexual conquests during the evening. Nothing has really changed since the first rendition of The Real World and as we find ourselves chugging along in our cattle car to reality television Hell, we stop along the way to witness the absolute wreckage of Jersey Shore.

MTV’s latest pop-culture abortion heads into its second season, poised as one of the most popular shows on the network and includes a cast of characters that I can best describe as one part tanning lotion, two parts hair product and four equal parts of absolutely annoying. Jersey Shore does little more than provide water cooler fodder for people who have nothing better to do than watch annoying people, doing nonsensical and idiotically vain things, all while “fist pumping” their way to below average stardom.

While watching a few of the first season’s episodes – for research purposes only and I cannot stress that enough – I found my intelligence level actually decreasing almost to the point of requiring a cloth to wipe the spittle from the corner of my mouth. The debauchery that is on display in this show not only urges me to vomit violently, but also prompts me to lock my niece in her bedroom until the age of 65. Hopefully by that time, all of the male d-bag members of the Shore cast will have passed on due to dreadful bouts of skin cancer from over-tanning.

The only thing that I can see that would benefit anyone with this show continuing would be is if someone decides to punch Miss Piggy, err, I mean Snooki in the snout again.

Skeeter Bites: Man takes the cake… literally!

July 19, 2010 1 comment

Fort Scott, Kansas – Ronald James Hagan, 36, possesses an undeniable love for snack cakes. Unlike his contemporaries, his insatiable desire doesn’t just stop at consumption. Hagan is being sought for questioning by the Fort Scott Sheriff’s department for what some are claiming as the most heinous baked foods related incident since 1983’s highjacking of a Wonder Bread truck in St. Louis, Missouri.

The details at this point are at best sketchy, but from what has been released by law enforcement, its been determined that in the early morning hours of July 16th, Hagan illegally gained access to the Hostess distribution site off Highway-69 two miles south of Fort Scott. According Waylan Johnson, Hostess’ night security guard, surveilance cameras recorded Hagan as he removed his trousers and began performing what was described as “the most disturbing sexual act with a snack cake ever recorded” at the Hostess factory.

A reward for information leading to the whereabouts of Ronald Hagan is being offered in the amount of $500. Ronald Hagan is described as a Caucasian male, brown hair, athletic body, and a red coconut colored penis. Please call the Hostess customer service hotline at 1-800-Hostess or the Fort Scott Sheriff’s Department if you have knowledge of Ronald James Hagan’s whereabouts.

Author’s note – the story you have just read is completely fictional. Ronald James Hagan is a randomly thought up name and the circumstances regarding this fictional crime were completely fabricated.

Camp Anawanna… we hold you in our hearts,

“…and when we think about you, it makes me wanna fart!”

Easily one of the last vestiges of my early adolescence, Salute Your Shorts still provides a boyish glee for ohh so many reasons. For the most part, Heidi Lucas was the fault for many a wasted afternoon escapade to land of uptight camp counselors, bullies, and the infamous Donkey Lips. The show lasted all of two spectacular seasons, during which, Lucas and her cast-mate Michael Bower (reprising the character of the aforementioned “Lips”) won young actor awards. Simply paying homage to this feat of Nickelodeon wonder would not do justice to the amazing television jewels this show accomplished. First, it depicted one of the earliest known young person comedies starring a multiracial cast. Next, Ug Lee. What a character! Try finding a better episode than the one during which he gets stun by a hornets nest. Emmy-worthy my friends, indeed. Finally, “Tires!” If you haven’t seen that episode, you my friend, have been deprived of the beauty that is 295 pounds of adolescent dietary indiscretion running an obstacle course.

Camp Anawanna, we do hold you near and dear to our hearts! And Heidi Lucas, thanks for all the fun times!

Categories: Randominities

The 5 coolest things ever!

SkeeterandtheBeef has searched far and wide, long and hard, and taken all of 20 minutes to think of this collection of the coolest things ever invented. No, you will not see anything here that is considered “revolutionary” nor will you see “sliced bread” as an answer. Sit back, grab a Capri Sun, and enjoy!

5. All-You-Can-Eat “Anythings” – Let’s face it, people get hungry. If you’re anything like me (a wonderful and plush 275 lbs), you enjoy getting your money’s worth and one plate just doesn’t quite cut it. Paying by the plate for people of my appetite draws a raised eyebrow and a hearty brown gravy laugh from my gullet. So, when I eat, I’m consuming under no false pretense that the food about to be devoured is ultimately going to end up commingled in my tummy at some point, so keeping a Civil Rights Era segregation going between my shrimp fried rice and my beef and broccoli just simply will not happen. I end up steam shoveling food so fast, the small Chinese lady that keeps my water glass filled, oogles on in sheer amazement. Thank you “Jackie”, I appreciate your spectatorship and attentiveness to my hydration. $7.95 never falls into the category of too much for dinner, especially after 11 plates of MSG-enriched K9.

4. Nerf – Simply said, this invention of 1969 fame made beating the unholiest demons of Hell out of your brother acceptable. It has been used to not only mass-market suction cup dart launching guns and plush sport balls, but provided the tools for generations of kids “Vincent D’onofrio” their siblings.

3. Funyuns – These delicious air-puffed treats have been the staple of many a pot smokers delectable repertoire since 1969. (Notice a trend with this year… yes, it might have been the coolest in history!) Without these air inflated snackie, my first two years of college the first time around would have been considerably less tasty. Don’t let the mass marketed flavors of Wasabi, Extreme Cheese and Flamin’ Hot skew your view of this delightful delicacy. There is, and always will be only one. Funyuns are the Highlander of the chip world.

2. The Internet – Invented by former Vice-President Al Gore, this astronomically huge spiderweb of global information not only delivers deals through sites such as Amazon and Woot, but have supplied a generation of young adolescent males reason to sit in front of their computer screens on beautifully sunny days with the window shades drawn, a box of Kleenex with Aloe at their side, and a striped tube sock hanging from their bedroom door handles. Of course I am speaking of these young men playing World of Warcraft – what were you thinking, pervert? Not only can my necromancer defeat your night elf in less than 2 minutes, but I can do it all while downloading images of the beautiful and toe-thumbed Megan Fox subliminally telling me with her eyes that she too, wants to ride my blood mount.

1. The iPod – Many will give credit to Sony for introducing the Walkman cassette player to the masses and as being the first truly portable personal music player. Prior to that, we carried boomboxes on our shoulders and tried to look cool talking to girls, all the while not only making our left ears go numb for life, but giving us mild cases of Scoliosis. Along came the Walkman, thus allowing us to carry small cartridges of music clipped to our waistbands, turning our pants into instant parties. Realizing that there always had to be a better way, Steve Jobs, a.k.a. the Jesus of Mass Media, introduced to miniscule iPod. With huge storage capacities, the first clicker wheel for keeping retarded children entertained, and the first portable “Snake” game, Jobs gave the world what they wanted – the best way to store your Best of Lionel Richie, Vol. III on your body. No more kiestering necessary.

Categories: Randominities