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Skeeter Bites: The best damn chili you’ll ever cook… guaranteed!

February 24, 2011 Leave a comment

A couple of weeks ago I ransacked the pantry for something to eat. Being turned away with only the appetizing thought of eating taco seasoning from the packet, I carried on to the one thing that has never let me down – the fridge.

Throwing things together has always been a culinary fetish of mine and this day was like many others. From my tantalizing egg Ramen to chicken & broccoli stuffed manicotti, my imagination has led to some of the heart-burningest creations this world has ever seen. So kick the crock pot on high, throw on some Al Green, and let my chili recipe take you away (and possibly to the bathroom afterwards).

Ingredients:

1 lb Ground Chuck (cooked in sauce pan)

1 lb Spicy/Hot Ground Sausage (cooked in sauce pan)

1 lb Ground Turkey (cooked in sauce pan)

3 tbsp Chili powder

1 tbsp crushed black pepper

1 tbsp crushed, dried oregano leaves

1 large white onion (finely diced – after cooking, they will take on a very aromatic spongy feel)

1 small can tomato sauce

1 large can diced tomatoes

4 cans chili beans (to add spiciness to the mix, substitute a can of Chili ‘Hot’ beans)

 

After all the meats are cooked and drained, open all cans of beans and rinse thoroughly. (I like this step because the beans come packed in a semi-gelatinous red sauce that eerily reminds me of movie blood; that and they don’t taste as good). In a 5 qt. slow cooker, combine all ingredients – in no specific order – and mix vigorously. You can choose to mix sluggishly, however, I prefer the word vigorous. Simply sounds cooler. Cover slow cooker, set timer for 4 hours, and pop in your favorite Tom Hanks’ film.

Following the viewing of Castaway, Big, or The Money Pit, if your intestines don’t fell like exploding, they soon will. Spoon heaping gobs of dripping meat slurry into a bowl, garnish with cheese, and devour to your liking. This recipe is a guaranteed winner.

 

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Skeeter Bites: Can we please nuke the ‘Jersey Shore’?

All thanks to The Real World, Americans have found it acceptable to dive into the lives of knowing participants, follow them through their daily routines, and their sexual conquests during the evening. Nothing has really changed since the first rendition of The Real World and as we find ourselves chugging along in our cattle car to reality television Hell, we stop along the way to witness the absolute wreckage of Jersey Shore.

MTV’s latest pop-culture abortion heads into its second season, poised as one of the most popular shows on the network and includes a cast of characters that I can best describe as one part tanning lotion, two parts hair product and four equal parts of absolutely annoying. Jersey Shore does little more than provide water cooler fodder for people who have nothing better to do than watch annoying people, doing nonsensical and idiotically vain things, all while “fist pumping” their way to below average stardom.

While watching a few of the first season’s episodes – for research purposes only and I cannot stress that enough – I found my intelligence level actually decreasing almost to the point of requiring a cloth to wipe the spittle from the corner of my mouth. The debauchery that is on display in this show not only urges me to vomit violently, but also prompts me to lock my niece in her bedroom until the age of 65. Hopefully by that time, all of the male d-bag members of the Shore cast will have passed on due to dreadful bouts of skin cancer from over-tanning.

The only thing that I can see that would benefit anyone with this show continuing would be is if someone decides to punch Miss Piggy, err, I mean Snooki in the snout again.

Skeeter Bites: How to plug BP’s hole…

Some may call me a little behind the times. I’ve never been exactly what one would consider “cutting edge”. I have racked my brain for the past months, attempting to come up with an inventive way for Tony Hayward, C.E.O. of B.P., to fix the oil that gushes into the Gulf of Mexico at an alarming rate. Here are some potential ideas that I have spent long hours on the porcelain throne contemplating…

Dead fish and bird carcasses – Yeah, yeah, yeah. Some of you right now are calling me a monster, but let’s face facts. All the Dawn dish soap in the world won’t be able to cut the grease that these poor creatures are having to live with. For these birds and fish, the amount of oil that coats their feathers and scales leaves them feeling like they just woke up next to Lionel Richie after a long night of “slap-n-tickle” with Jesus of Jheri Curls. The suggestion that would help us all… wrap them in cheesecloth, and plug the oil’s guss-hole immediately. The sacrifices of the few promote the well being of the many. Save the birds able to fly so they can clog jet engines and the swimming little fishies so that they can saturate the wax paper liner in my basket for my Long John Silver’s.

FLOAM – This lovable oddity that sickened thousands of kids would be the perfect economical fix for our issue. With some polystyrene beads, Borax, and glue, we could have endless amounts of semi-gelatinous, oil- plugging goodness. Let’s not mention that we can be the first in the world to have our on designer oil leak color!

Megan Fox’s Toe-Thumb – Granted Megan tops most lists as being one of, if not the most, attractive woman on the planet. But can we be honest with one another for a moment? If an asteroid were on a collision course with Earth, one of the last people being called to the “war room” to brainstorm ideas for our salvation would be her. That is not to say that she cannot be used for more than simply a masturbatory aid. After drowning Megan Fox and allowing the decomposition gasses to slightly bloat her toe-thumb, we could take care of all that ails us by sinking her to the oil’s opening. Following an extensive MacGyver-esque use of duct tape, the leak would be stopped. No more oil, and thank goodness, no Jonah Hex sequel.

Mighty Putty – If the late Billy Mays were here, he would march right into Hayward’s office and with a booming voice proclaim, “Hi, Billy Mays here with Mighty Putty! The oil topper leak stopper. For only $9.95, I won’t simply send you 3 sticks of Mighty Putty, I’ll also do an additional 3 lines of coke off this stripper’s ass, all while singing “God Bless America” and making waffles. Simply pay for shipping and processing!”

Dr. Phil McGraw – If all other options were to fail, we as Americans would have to dig deep into our resolve reserves and sacrifice. With great circumstance comes great consequence and if all ideas fall short of stopping the oil seepage into the Gulf, we can always jam Dr. Phil into the hole. By using a high pressure air cannon – similar to those used to propel t-shirts at high speeds towards unsuspecting fans at sporting events – aimed at the top of the leak, we propel McGraw’s body, rump first, towards the hole at blazing speed. Upon impact, the cellulite in the aforementioned posterior would become lodged in the orifice, plugging our leak. This would again serve a dual purpose as we would no longer be subject to his small-minded, 6th-grade, hillbilly psychology. Judging by the picture, does he not look like a person who needs to be jammed in a hole 6 miles beneath the ocean’s surface?

As previously mentioned at the onset of the writing, these are simply ideas. We have a team of 3rd-graders hard at work drawing Crayola schematics of a Tinker-Toy plug that could also be use. Stay tuned…

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