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Skeeter Bites: Man takes the cake… literally!

July 19, 2010 1 comment

Fort Scott, Kansas – Ronald James Hagan, 36, possesses an undeniable love for snack cakes. Unlike his contemporaries, his insatiable desire doesn’t just stop at consumption. Hagan is being sought for questioning by the Fort Scott Sheriff’s department for what some are claiming as the most heinous baked foods related incident since 1983’s highjacking of a Wonder Bread truck in St. Louis, Missouri.

The details at this point are at best sketchy, but from what has been released by law enforcement, its been determined that in the early morning hours of July 16th, Hagan illegally gained access to the Hostess distribution site off Highway-69 two miles south of Fort Scott. According Waylan Johnson, Hostess’ night security guard, surveilance cameras recorded Hagan as he removed his trousers and began performing what was described as “the most disturbing sexual act with a snack cake ever recorded” at the Hostess factory.

A reward for information leading to the whereabouts of Ronald Hagan is being offered in the amount of $500. Ronald Hagan is described as a Caucasian male, brown hair, athletic body, and a red coconut colored penis. Please call the Hostess customer service hotline at 1-800-Hostess or the Fort Scott Sheriff’s Department if you have knowledge of Ronald James Hagan’s whereabouts.

Author’s note – the story you have just read is completely fictional. Ronald James Hagan is a randomly thought up name and the circumstances regarding this fictional crime were completely fabricated.

Kids are pu$$ies… smack them more!

July 14, 2010 2 comments

A couple of days ago, I involved myself in a conversation at work. Most of the time, I shy away from discussions when it involves parenting for the simple fact that I have sired no little snot-nosed, germ infested, living petri dishes. Not to say that I don’t want them, but right now, I have the sneaky suspicion that they would find themselves plastered all over eBay.

Anywho, the conversation I sneakily involved myself in revolved around a woman who was having troubles with her two young boys, ages 5 and 9 respectively. As her complaints got more repetitive and agonizingly bland it occurred to me. The kids weren’t to blame. The boys didn’t take their queues from that lovable Sponge Bob, Handy Manny or Dora. They learned it from watching you!

For all of our grown up thoughts, higher level math skills, pita pocket sandwiches and mocha-choco frapacinos, we lack the basic skills as humans anymore to set the youth of our nation right by administering the good ol’ fashioned “elbow locked, fingers extended, left to right, knock that piss-ass attitude outta you” beat down.

Now, before I am flooded with hate mail, Child Services knocks down my door (only to find themselves befuddled as I have no kids) or shoe polish finds its way on my car windows laden with expletives, let me state that no children were harmed during the writing of this blog. However, if one would have come up to me, ripped my iPhone from my hand because he/she wanted to play Bejeweled, he/she would be grasping their lips watching teeth rain from their tingling little mouths. It has become commonplace for individuals to let their children run free, supported only by the ill-imagined idea that they would be stifling their child’s growth with pesky little things called discipline, structure, and the occasional tantrum ending spanking. I say, give ’em a good smack every once in a while. You might just deter the next Gacy.

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