Kids are pu$$ies… smack them more!

July 14, 2010 2 comments

A couple of days ago, I involved myself in a conversation at work. Most of the time, I shy away from discussions when it involves parenting for the simple fact that I have sired no little snot-nosed, germ infested, living petri dishes. Not to say that I don’t want them, but right now, I have the sneaky suspicion that they would find themselves plastered all over eBay.

Anywho, the conversation I sneakily involved myself in revolved around a woman who was having troubles with her two young boys, ages 5 and 9 respectively. As her complaints got more repetitive and agonizingly bland it occurred to me. The kids weren’t to blame. The boys didn’t take their queues from that lovable Sponge Bob, Handy Manny or Dora. They learned it from watching you!

For all of our grown up thoughts, higher level math skills, pita pocket sandwiches and mocha-choco frapacinos, we lack the basic skills as humans anymore to set the youth of our nation right by administering the good ol’ fashioned “elbow locked, fingers extended, left to right, knock that piss-ass attitude outta you” beat down.

Now, before I am flooded with hate mail, Child Services knocks down my door (only to find themselves befuddled as I have no kids) or shoe polish finds its way on my car windows laden with expletives, let me state that no children were harmed during the writing of this blog. However, if one would have come up to me, ripped my iPhone from my hand because he/she wanted to play Bejeweled, he/she would be grasping their lips watching teeth rain from their tingling little mouths. It has become commonplace for individuals to let their children run free, supported only by the ill-imagined idea that they would be stifling their child’s growth with pesky little things called discipline, structure, and the occasional tantrum ending spanking. I say, give ’em a good smack every once in a while. You might just deter the next Gacy.

Categories: WOW! Just wow...

D.U.M. excerpt numero dos

Hello again everyone. As promised, here lies another teaser from D.U.M.

Taken from the story, Chili Cheese Fatties:

I sit in the back seat of Bennie’s car with my head tilted slightly towards the menu. Half exhausted and half baked, I murmur to him to order a large onion rings and a massive bucket-o-drink. He acknowledges with a head nod and turns to J, whose attention has been diverted from food to his prey. “How you girls doing? Enjoyin’ your night?” His torso hangs attentively out of the car window, either due to the car’s spatial allowances or animalistic desire, as the cooing continues.

“Get your ass back in the car. Those girls don’t want to talk to you… besides, the driver looks like a dude.” My revelation startles J as Bennie begins to laugh hysterically.

“She’s just a little rough. I like mine with issues.”

“Rough? That’s more than rough. And some issues are fine as long as they aren’t that she has a thicker goatee than you.” Bennie cannot speak. His eyes fill with tears as he listens to me shred J’s qualifiers. His laughter erupts.

Categories: D.U.M.

“If it bleeds, we can kill it!” Predators review…

July 10, 2010 2 comments

 

Dropped on an alien planet while being hunted for sport sounds like my idea of not only a good time, but a great “effin” Sci-Fi movie. Granted, you read the words of a man who has viewed the original Predator movie no less than 300 times, worships the action-packed ground the “Governator” blew up, and would gladly carry an interspecies Predator baby. Although barren as my womb may be, nothing would stop me from viewing my favorite trophy hunting species take down unsuspecting “professionals” in this summer’s surprisingly action-filled film.

Predators dives further into the mystique of a race of alien beings who hunt for sport and gruesomely dismember for trophy. Free-falling through the sky, we meet our protagonist Royce, played by Adrien Brody, and after human lawn-darting his way to the planet’s surface, he finds that he is not alone. Once the cast assembles, including a sarcastically sharp Topher Grace (That 70’s Show) as Edwin, a sharp shooting sniper/beauty Alice Braga (I Am Legend) as Isabelle, and the shank wielding inmate Stans played by Walton Goggins (FX’s Justified), the storyline begins to show the true signs of living up to what the AVP/AVP:Requiem movies were supposed to be for the franchise. These complete strangers – in addition to other characters such as a Sierra Leone deathsquad hitman, a Yakuza assassin, Mexican Cartel enforcer and Russian Spetnaz specialist – each with particularly brutal skills, are trapped as game for a bloody, intergalactic hunting trip.

While slightly calculable (affectionate bond between Royce and Isabelle) and cliché (Brody apparently gurgled glass to replicate Christian Bale’s brooding Batman voice) for this movie-goer’s liking, the action races along with the ferocity of the 1987 original Predator but falls well short of being considered in the same trophy case as its predecessor. As the pieces of the puzzle fall into place, the tension of the film unpredictability suffers and this simply falls into the realm of just another action/sci-fi flick. Don’t take it the wrong way, the story is fast-paced, interestingly constructed, and beautifully rendered without the overuse of CGI. Unfortunately, our protagonists find out all too soon in the movie exactly who they are pitted against in their fight to stay alive. The horrific crescendo of anxiety is lost.

In the 1987 movie Predator, a rescue team of highly trained commandos is systematically hunted and slaughtered by a seemingly unstoppable guerrilla force. Only half-way through the film – in one of the most destructively awesome jungle leveling scenes ever captured on film – do we find out that the hunter is otherworldly. In the newest installment of the franchise, Royce and his hunted party know almost immediately that some alien force is work. An interesting cameo does work its way into the film in the form of the slightly mentally deranged Noland, played by the ever-commanding Laurence Fishburne. His character provides the not only a subtle glimmer of hope to the others in revealing that he has been able to survive 10 hunting seasons on the predator-visited planet, but Fishburne’s protrayl of this dimentia-impacted former soldier provides an all too short 10 or so minutes of interesting craziness.

I struggle with wanting to reveal more of the story, as there were as many interesting aspects to this film that can easily be incorporated into an epic sequel. Conversely, only by knowing more of the story will you be able to fully appreciate its 3.5 out of 5 rating being given. Predators is a nostalgic and blazing fast action homage to many a weekend wasted away watching Ah-nold slug it out with the mandible menacing Predator. Although parts are overshadowed with predictability, the film is well worth “Gettin to the choppa” to see. (Review score: 3.5/5)

Categories: Movie Reviews

D.U.M. excerpt numero uno

After years of hard work, endless bags of Doritos, and enough Rockstar Energy drink to stop the heart of a charging rhino, “D.U.M.”, my first independently released book will be available for purchase/download.

“D.U.M.” provides an anectdotal detailing of some of the utterly stupid things my friends and I have taken part in over the years. Its been a long haul, but hopefully you will enjoy reading it as much as I have investing time in writing it.

Keep checking back frequently as ‘teasers’ from the book will be released in the coming weeks.

Taken from the story Gonna Have a Lil’ Talk With Jesus:

“Hello. I’m Robert and this is Christopher. Have you heard the word of the Lord? Would you like to accept Jesus Christ as your savior?” Robert appears as a small, plain man, possibly early 20’s, in a suit finely tailored to accept the body of the saved. His companion stands to the side of him, apprehensively peering inside the house, like a timid mouse anticipating the snap of the trap. He sees me in the front room and I can imagine him thinking to himself that this is a bad idea.
“Come on in. My friend and I were just getting ready to watch a religious film. You’re more than welcome to join us if you would like.” Jay opens the door fully, allowing our two new friends to follow him into the living room. He shuffles toward his uniquely carved couch-niche, as his hand reaches around behind scratching his posterior. As our eyes briefly connect, he winks and flips me a half-smile, the definite sign of horrible things to come.

Categories: D.U.M.

Camp Anawanna… we hold you in our hearts,

“…and when we think about you, it makes me wanna fart!”

Easily one of the last vestiges of my early adolescence, Salute Your Shorts still provides a boyish glee for ohh so many reasons. For the most part, Heidi Lucas was the fault for many a wasted afternoon escapade to land of uptight camp counselors, bullies, and the infamous Donkey Lips. The show lasted all of two spectacular seasons, during which, Lucas and her cast-mate Michael Bower (reprising the character of the aforementioned “Lips”) won young actor awards. Simply paying homage to this feat of Nickelodeon wonder would not do justice to the amazing television jewels this show accomplished. First, it depicted one of the earliest known young person comedies starring a multiracial cast. Next, Ug Lee. What a character! Try finding a better episode than the one during which he gets stun by a hornets nest. Emmy-worthy my friends, indeed. Finally, “Tires!” If you haven’t seen that episode, you my friend, have been deprived of the beauty that is 295 pounds of adolescent dietary indiscretion running an obstacle course.

Camp Anawanna, we do hold you near and dear to our hearts! And Heidi Lucas, thanks for all the fun times!

Categories: Randominities

The 5 coolest things ever!

SkeeterandtheBeef has searched far and wide, long and hard, and taken all of 20 minutes to think of this collection of the coolest things ever invented. No, you will not see anything here that is considered “revolutionary” nor will you see “sliced bread” as an answer. Sit back, grab a Capri Sun, and enjoy!

5. All-You-Can-Eat “Anythings” – Let’s face it, people get hungry. If you’re anything like me (a wonderful and plush 275 lbs), you enjoy getting your money’s worth and one plate just doesn’t quite cut it. Paying by the plate for people of my appetite draws a raised eyebrow and a hearty brown gravy laugh from my gullet. So, when I eat, I’m consuming under no false pretense that the food about to be devoured is ultimately going to end up commingled in my tummy at some point, so keeping a Civil Rights Era segregation going between my shrimp fried rice and my beef and broccoli just simply will not happen. I end up steam shoveling food so fast, the small Chinese lady that keeps my water glass filled, oogles on in sheer amazement. Thank you “Jackie”, I appreciate your spectatorship and attentiveness to my hydration. $7.95 never falls into the category of too much for dinner, especially after 11 plates of MSG-enriched K9.

4. Nerf – Simply said, this invention of 1969 fame made beating the unholiest demons of Hell out of your brother acceptable. It has been used to not only mass-market suction cup dart launching guns and plush sport balls, but provided the tools for generations of kids “Vincent D’onofrio” their siblings.

3. Funyuns – These delicious air-puffed treats have been the staple of many a pot smokers delectable repertoire since 1969. (Notice a trend with this year… yes, it might have been the coolest in history!) Without these air inflated snackie, my first two years of college the first time around would have been considerably less tasty. Don’t let the mass marketed flavors of Wasabi, Extreme Cheese and Flamin’ Hot skew your view of this delightful delicacy. There is, and always will be only one. Funyuns are the Highlander of the chip world.

2. The Internet – Invented by former Vice-President Al Gore, this astronomically huge spiderweb of global information not only delivers deals through sites such as Amazon and Woot, but have supplied a generation of young adolescent males reason to sit in front of their computer screens on beautifully sunny days with the window shades drawn, a box of Kleenex with Aloe at their side, and a striped tube sock hanging from their bedroom door handles. Of course I am speaking of these young men playing World of Warcraft – what were you thinking, pervert? Not only can my necromancer defeat your night elf in less than 2 minutes, but I can do it all while downloading images of the beautiful and toe-thumbed Megan Fox subliminally telling me with her eyes that she too, wants to ride my blood mount.

1. The iPod – Many will give credit to Sony for introducing the Walkman cassette player to the masses and as being the first truly portable personal music player. Prior to that, we carried boomboxes on our shoulders and tried to look cool talking to girls, all the while not only making our left ears go numb for life, but giving us mild cases of Scoliosis. Along came the Walkman, thus allowing us to carry small cartridges of music clipped to our waistbands, turning our pants into instant parties. Realizing that there always had to be a better way, Steve Jobs, a.k.a. the Jesus of Mass Media, introduced to miniscule iPod. With huge storage capacities, the first clicker wheel for keeping retarded children entertained, and the first portable “Snake” game, Jobs gave the world what they wanted – the best way to store your Best of Lionel Richie, Vol. III on your body. No more kiestering necessary.

Categories: Randominities

Finally, Skeeter&TheBeef have come back to… Kansas?

June 25, 2010 5 comments

Salutations noble serfs.

In an effort to rid the web of obnoxious, vile, and utterly repulsive things, Skeeter&TheBeef have decided to take the show on the road. We may twit, twat, twote or do whatever the hell it is that you kids do nowadays from random locations such as IHOP or a Chinese buffet, but rest assured. Our twats will be cynical, sometimes bordering on even funny, but they will always put your finger on the pulse of what goes on in the sick world of Skeeter&TheBeef.

Thanks for taking a moment to read my twat…was it good for you?

Categories: Uncategorized